What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 01:37
What did i know ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
This is soul school!.
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So whats the point in blame.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why do some mothers hate their daughters especially when they're the eldest?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why do I feel like I want to suck a big dick after injecting meth?
Put me off passion for life!!
Would this be the day?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Can the effects of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) be reversed?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He knew the spot.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why would a person who is educated and skillful still find it hard to get a better job?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She wouldn,t have been !
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why do I sweat (mostly on face) when I eat usually spicy food?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She was in good health!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot live in the past .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But it wasn’t much.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Comes on , in middle age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im still living with it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I don,t even have a pension.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was seconnd youngest,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
(And it was in our own minds.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why did i forgive my father ?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Especially a lifetime of it.
All the time i was locked up.
I will be 64.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was very sick at this time too.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She loved him until the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i lived it daily.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was 9 years of age.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My family never makes their pension either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She married twice! .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I said to her
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I think the readers, may guess!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He resisted the act ,that day.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But, we were locked up after school.
It was going to be , some day.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We were not on the streets..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She found it foreign!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Ive learnt so much.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We all went to grammer schools
I couldn’t, believe it.
I write beautiful poetry .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I have no regrets .
I never cut or harmed myself..
When she asked me how she looked .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Who then, do I blame.?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I waited trembling.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My life is so biszare .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!